Act I
Fade In...
EXT. DEBBIE’S CUPCAKES - EVENING
Frank watches as a young man, Brady, dressed in his Debbie’s Cupcakes uniform, stands hitting and shaking a cola machine outside of the cupcake shop. The man gives up and Frank approaches the machine. He tries all the buttons, smacks the machine, and pressing the coin return but nothing works as the machine reads that it has the $1.50 needed to buy something. He walks away.
INT. BAR - EVENING
Kevin serves a beer and a shot of whiskey to a Brady who has just sat down at the bar. He downs the whiskey in one gulp then signals for another.
Kevin hesitates for a moment.
Brady
Don’t worry I’m not driving anywhere tonight.
Kevin pours another then looks up to see Frank enter. Frank approaches the bar.
Frank
Maker’s Mark.
Brady downs the second shot. Frank downs his first.
Frank
Hey, I saw the way you were hitting that machine out there. You should take it easy. You’ll live a lot longer.
Brady
I’m trying to get my hand to stop hurting. What’s it to you?
Frank evaluates the situation and decides there might still be something to gain from the young man.
Frank
You seem to be trying to get as much alcohol in you as possible. Do you like drinking games?
Brady
You mean like beer pong?
Frank
Kind of like that.
Brady
Alright let’s do it.
Frank
Hey barkeep, couple of drinks over here.
Kevin
What’ll it be Frank?
Frank
Two beers for me and one whiskey for my friend here we’re going to bet on who pays.
Kevin gets the drinks.
Brady
What’s the game?
Frank
Well, I am going to bet you the tab for these drinks that I can finish these two beers before you drink that one measly shot. The rules are that you have to wait until I finish my first beer then set it down on the bar, you have to leave your glass on the table, and you can’t touch either of my glasses. This is very serious business and I need to concentrate. Are you good with that?
Brady
Yeah sure.
Frank picks up his first beer and begins to drink slowly first as if he is savering it then he downs the beer as quickly as he can. He then takes the empty glass and turns it over to cover Brady’s shot glass on the bar. He picks up his second beer and raises it to Brady who is amused.
Frank
My friend here is paying.
Brady
Alright, you got me on that one. But I got some bad news for you, my friend is coming.
A gruffer looking man, Doug, with two days growth of beard steps up to them as Frank begins to chug his beer. Brady points to his glass.
Brady
Would you take that beer glass off my drink? Hurry up.
Doug reaches for the glass and picks it up.
Doug
What like this?
Frank finishes his beer and sets the glass down.
Frank
(patting Brady on the shoulder)
Thank you gentlemen but that’s the only trick I know. I’m going to take my next drink and slide on down the bar to that machine over there.
Brady
Hey, why don’t you stick around and drink with us? First pitcher of beer is on me.
INT. BAR - MUCH LATER
Frank, Doug, and Brady are all in a booth on their third pitcher of beer as they talk and laugh with each other. Frank is keeping them amused because so far he hasn't had to pay for anything.
Far away from them sits a cute, young man, Zack, with an open laptop, several open books, and a half-full bottle of beer.
Ian enters the bar and walks to where Kevin is mixing a cocktail.
Kevin
What brings you by our humble establishment?
Ian
I was on my way home and Fiona said you bought some cookies or something from Debbie.
Kevin
Oh yeah right, here I can’t believe the cost of fundraiser cookies these days.
Kevin pulls out his wallet and begins to count cash. Ian spots Zack at his own table.
Ian
Who’s that guy over there?
Kevin
He’s been coming here about once a week for the last three weeks. He just showed up one day. He doesn’t drink much, just enough so I don’t have to kick him out.
Ian stares at Zack who looks back in his direction and smirks.
Ian
You know what I think I’ll take a drink.
INT. BAR - FRANK’S TABLE
Frank pours out the last of the beer in the pitcher amongst the three glasses then raises it up to the two cheerful and drunk men.
Brady
I don’t know if I got another pitcher in me.
Frank
No problem, I should be going anyway. The little lady is probably up waiting for me.
Brady
Besides I have to make it to work tomorrow morning and I should probably be approaching sobriety by then.
Doug
You should just quit your job.
Brady
Not everybody can do that.
Doug
They could if they listened to their friends.
Brady
You’re not a millionaire yet and probably never will be with your plan.
Frank
Plan? Are you an entrepreneur? Something on the internet?
Doug
(shakes head)
Nothing like that. No, it’s better than that.
Doug leans down to the table and signals that the others should get closer. Both Frank and Brady get closer.
Doug
I want to rob the Sagan bank.
Brady
You shouldn’t be talking like that.
Frank
Yeah, people take things very seriously these days. Not me, I mean I know you’re kidding but still. Why would you rob a bank?
Doug
Because I used to work for it and I know the delivery schedule, and the pay was shit.
Frank
You know if I robbed a bank I wouldn’t try to speed away. I’d drive to one of those parking garages where I had a second car and trade them out like in the movies.
Brady
That’s all it’s ever going to be for this guy over here.
Frank
I’d get me a wheel man like Sam ‘the Nose’ Gunther who just got out on parole, plus another guy, one of us would have a shotgun for crowd control. I’d make sure they left the last bill in the slot, no dye packs, and no silent alarms.
Doug
That’s the best part. The money would be still in the bag. We’d just intercept it from the truck to the bank.
Brady
Keep talking and keep drinking then maybe none of us will remember this in the morning.
INT. BAR - IAN AT BAR
Ian finishes his drink as he has been cruising Zack and Zack has been cruising him in return between trying to do his homework. Zack signals to follow as he heads to the restroom.
INT. MEN’S ROOM -
Zack walks to the urinal and Ian follows shortly behind him and steps to the urinal beside him. Ian smirks then unzips his fly. Zack smiles back then looks at Ian’s dick as he begins to urinate.
Zack
Do you want to go back to my place? No one else will be home.
Ian
What’s your name?
Zack
Zack.
Ian
Ian.
Zack
Follow me, I have to get my books.
EXT. SHOT OF LARGE SUBURBAN HOUSE
INT. BEDROOM - LARGE SUBURBAN HOUSE - LATER SAME NIGHT
Ian and Zack begin to kiss and strip each other of their clothes.
Ian
Are you sure no one is coming home?
Zack
My mother is a night nurse and my father is away on business. I used to stay up all night playing video games but this is so much better.
Ian pushes and pulls Zack to the bed where they continue to kiss and grab at each other.
Ian
Have you been tested?
Zack
Yeah.
Ian
When?
Zack
Last week. Are you a virgin?
Ian
No. You?
Zack
I’ve done it all. Fuck me.
INT. BEDROOM -
Ian and Zack are fucking missionary position with Ian on top. Zack begins to cry. Ian becomes concerned.
Ian
What’s wrong? Does it hurt? Do you want me to quit?
Zack
No. Fuck me.
Ian continues but Zack’s crying worsens until he is heaving with emotion. Ian stops but Zack is quick to wrap his legs around Ian’s back and lock his ankles together.
Zack
Do it. Fuck me.
Ian is bothered by the proposal but there is little he can do and Zack has not only given his consent but ordered that Ian finish.
Act II
INT. ZACK’S BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING
Zack lies awake in bed next to Ian who stirs and awakens.
Zack
Hey, how’s it going?
Ian
Good. How long have you been awake?
Zack
Not long, I couldn’t sleep much. Do you want breakfast?
Ian
I’m not much of a breakfast person. What time is it?
Zack
Not even six o’clock.
Ian
Hmm, well I have to get going. I have work today and I need to get back to my place to get some fresh clothes. Is your mother home yet?
Zack
She’s not due back until after seven.
Ian begins to get up and sees Zack is contemplative.
Ian
What’s wrong?
Zack
Do you know that crazy group that says they’re Christians and they go around protesting funerals and things? Well they’re coming to town tomorrow and I was just thinking I wished I had the balls to do something about it.
Ian
You should protest.
Zack
I will if you will.
Ian laughs.
Zack
No really, we should do it.
INT. GALLAGHER KITCHEN - LATER THAT MORNING
Carl sits at the table in his pajamas drawing a Rube Goldberg influenced machine on a piece of paper though he already has several others completed and in a pile. The previous one ends with a cartoon looking person in an electric chair being shocked.
The rest of the kitchen is in its usual chaos as everyone else is getting ready. Debbie sits with a ventriloquist’s dummy practicing trying to make it speak without moving her lips. Fiona is keeping them in motion to get prepared when she sees Carl’s drawing.
Fiona
Nice drawing Carl but you can’t take the one where the guy gets electrocuted to school. They’ll think you’re a nut.
Carl
I know that’s why I’m drawing a new one.
Fiona
You’re not even dressed. Debbie would you take over drawing his picture so he can get dressed?
Debbie
Yeah, if you take me to Debbie’s Cupcakes after school.
Fiona
What’s that?
Debbie
I saw it this weekend. It’s perfect. It’s cupcakes and it has my name on it.
Fiona
We’ll see. Carl go get dressed. And Debbie make sure this one doesn’t end with someone dying.
Frank enters the house through the kitchen door still partially drunk from the night before and singing a song.
Ian enters through the front of the house and seeing everyone else he sneaks upstairs to change clothes.
Lip enters the kitchen and spots the ventriloquist’s dummy. He moves about the kitchen along with everyone else as he hears Frank singing.
Lip
(to Fiona)
What’s with him?
Fiona
He came in like that, looks like he bit the hair of the dog early.
Lip
Have you noticed how the dummy’s eyes follow you around the kitchen?
Debbie
He’s for my talent contest later today.
Fiona
I didn’t notice. Frank why are you singing?
Frank
I was just trying to remember the commercial to that bank.
Fiona
What bank?
Ian enters in new clothes and looking pleased with himself.
Frank
You know the Sagan Bank. I was talking to two guys last night who said they wanted to rob it. And I was just trying to remember the jingle they used to have. You know I think someone opened a bank there for one of you kids. If I could only remember who?
Fiona
You’re remembering now?
Ian
It’s called state-dependent learning.
Frank
Well, I’d say get your money out soon. Although they didn’t seem that serious about it.
Lip
The money is FDIC insured.
Frank
Well, okay then. No one remembers who? I'm tired.
Fiona
Not here. You have your own house for that.
Frank
Right.
Fiona
Ian would you make sure Carl and Debbie make it to the bus on time. We’re running late.
Ian
Yeah sure, I’m headed out.
Ian helps them in their last actions then ushers them out of the house. Lip is also getting ready and walks out with them.
EXT. - ON WAY TO BUS - MORNING
Lip and Ian have fallen back to talk as Debbie and Carl are walking.
Lip
Late night?
Ian
I met a community college student. He told me all about classes.
Lip
I’m sure he did.
Ian
Hey Lip. It's, kind of weird--
Lip
You can tell me.
Ian
While you were fucking a girl did she ever cry?
Lip
Did you cry? Did he cry? He cried didn’t he?
Ian
It’s never happened before this.
Lip
I’ve heard of guys crying after, you know, climax, but still I thought it was a joke. Was he a virgin?
Ian
I don’t think so.
Lip
You were. And he was. I mean isn’t it sometimes painful?
Ian
Not like that.
Lip shrugs his shoulders and begins to walk in a different direction.
Ian
Hey, the bus?
Lip
I didn’t say I’d get them there. And besides I have something else to do.
INT. DEBBIE’S CLASSROOM - PUBLIC PERFORMANCE CLASS
Debbie sits in front of the classroom trying to perform her act but she messes up her lines and keeping herself from moving her lips.
EXT. ALLEYWAY BEHIND CHINESE RESTAURANT - AFTER SCHOOL
Debbie throws the dummy away in the dumpster.
INT. DEBBIE’S CLASSROOM - PUBLIC PERFORMANCE CLASS
Debbie sits in front of the classroom trying to perform her act but she messes up her lines and keeping herself from moving her lips.
EXT. ALLEYWAY BEHIND CHINESE RESTAURANT - AFTER SCHOOL
Debbie throws the dummy away in the dumpster.
EXT. BEHIND CHINESE RESTAURANT - EARLY MORNING
Debbie is trying to climb into the dumpster to retrieve her dummy when a garbage truck pulls into the alley, the driver is Sam ‘the Nose’ who is angered by the sight of her trying to climb inside.
Sam
Hey kid get away from there. Don’t you know any better?
Debbie refuses.
Sam
Hey kid, I said get the hell away from there. It’s dangerous to climb on those things.
Debbie is defiant.
Sam
If you don’t move I’ll put you in the back of my truck with the garbage.
Debbie moves down the alley but watches as Sam picks up the dumpster with his truck and dumps it. She begins to cry. Sam sees her and suddenly feels bad.
Sam
What is it kid?
Debbie
My friend, you dumped him in there.
Sam
Your friend? You friend? Oh shit.
Sam (thinking he just dumped a little kid into the back of his truck) climbs out of the cab and goes into the open back unit looking for a child.
Sam
Come on kid. Where are you? (Shouting to Debbie) What did he look like? What was he wearing?
Debbie
He was short and dressed in a suit and bow tie.
Sam tosses garbage aside until he see the doll, recognizes the costume, and angrily pulls it from the trash. He climbs down to Debbie who is happy to see her friend.
Debbie
(holding out her hands)
Thank you mister.
Sam
(hands over the doll)
No problem, now get the hell out of here.
EXT. SHOT BAR - NOON
INT. BAR - NOON
Sam sits drinking a beer at the bar. Doug enters and goes to Sam.
Doug
So you had time to think over my proposal?
Sam
I went digging through the garbage this morning because some kid told me I had thrown away her friend but it turned out to be one of those dummies.
Doug
What?
Sam
Yeah, I had time to think it over. Where’s your friend?
Doug
He’ll be here. He doesn’t work far from here. He had a bad day at work yesterday as well.
Act III
EXT. BANK - EARLY MORNING
Fiona is approaching the bank when she sees the parked car and Doug and Brady approach the security guards with guns and ski masks. She turns away and begins to walk the other direction as she phones the police.
INT. ROBBER’S CAR
Sam is sitting in the driver’s seat when he spots Fiona turning away and calling on her phone. He thinks to try and stop her but realizes he can’t.
EXT. SECURITY TRUCK
The two guard are going about their business when one of them sees the robbers too late and freezes with his hand on the handle of his gun.
Doug
Give us the fucking money and there won’t be no problems.
Guard #1
Doug?
Doug
Shut the fuck up.
Brady
Shut the fuck up and hand over the money or I blow your fucking brains out?
The guards hand over the money and the two run to meet Sam as he pulls up beside them. They get into the car and drive away.
INT. ROBBER’S CAR
Brady
He knew your fucking name. I told you I should have done all the talking.
Doug
We can’t go back now.
Sam
He knew your name? You fucking moron.
Doug
What did you want me to do shoot him?
Brady and Sam together
Yes.
EXT. SIDEWALK - EARLY MORNING (SAME TIME AS ROBBERY)
Ian, Zack, and Lip stand watching church group of about a dozen people and a smaller counter-protest group of LGBTQ representatives.
Lip
What’s your big plan?
Zack
I don’t know. I was thinking Ian and I could kiss or something. There’s a counter protest group. They could take our picture or something.
Lip
Kiss? That’s it? Why not go get a paintball gun and drive by them real slow. Plow, plow, plow.
Ian
No violence.
Lip
Then you have to do something more than kiss.
Zack
I’d like to punch them.
Lip
Good start.
Ian
No violence. If we hit one of them it’s trouble. They’re all lawyers or something.
Lip
What about streaking?
Zack
(laughs)
Run naked past them? What will that teach them?
Ian
Are there any kids around?
Lip
I don’t see any.
Ian
Alright but one of us has to be the getaway driver.
Zack
I’ll do it.
Ian
No, you have to run with me. It was your idea. Lip get the car.
Lip
I need the keys.
Zack hands over the keys to his car to Lip.
Lip
Wait till you see me.
Ian signals for Zack to follow him to a secluded spot where he begins to strip out of his clothes.
Zack
I didn’t think I’d be getting naked in public.
Ian
You have nothing to be ashamed of, just keep your underwear on until last. We run by then jump into the car.
Zack
You’ve done this before?
EXT. SHOT - THE ROBBER’S CAR SPEEDS THROUGH TRAFFIC
INT. ROBBER’S CAR - AFTER ROBBERY
Sam drives. Doug in the passenger seat with the shotgun between his legs. Brady is in the back seat looking around nervously. A cop car with sirens on passes them in the oncoming traffic.
Doug
Slow down, slow down.
Brady
Shit they’ve seen us. They’ve seen us. They’re turning around.
Doug
Alright get us out of here.
Doug winds down the window readying himself to lean out and shoot back at the cop cars.
EXT. IAN AND ZACK RUN BEING CHASED BY CHURCH GROUP ON SIDEWALK
Zack
I didn’t think they’d chase us.
Ian
They rarely do. Look there’s Lip with the car.
EXT. SHOT- LIP’S CAR IN RELATION TO ROBBER’S CAR
INT. LIP IN CAR
Lip
Come on guys give it up.
EXT. SIDEWALK IAN AND ZACK
Ian
We have to make a break for it. Go now there’s a clearing of parked cars.
Zack follows Ian through a group of parked cars as Lip slows the car.
INT. ROBBER’S CAR
Brady
Watch out man. What the hell is going on?
Sam
I see ‘em.
EXT. LIP’S CAR
Ian and Zack dive inside. The church group begins to bang on the car making Lip pull away into traffic. The robber’s car nearly hits them but swerves away nearly hitting oncoming traffic Sam cuts the wheel hard, the car hits the sidewalk, Sam hits the breaks, and they slide into contact with the cola machine in front of Debbie’s Cupcakes.
INT. ROBBER’S CAR
Brady
I don’t believe this. I’ll never get away from this place. It’s like Hell.
Sam
Not yet.
EXT. SHOT - ROBBER’S CAR
Two police cars pull to a stop close to the car.
INT. ROBBER’S CAR
Sam
Now it’s like Hell. We should just give up. Five years in jail for robbery is better than dying.
Doug
Five years?
Sam
With good behavior. Of course I’d do more because of my previous conviction.
Brady begins to cry.
EXT. SHOT - THE COPS SURROUND THE CAR SHOUTING AND POINTING GUNS
EXT. EARLY EVENING
Ian and Zack walk along the sidewalk where they had been previously been running naked, Debbie ahead of them walks into Debbie’s Cupcakes. Zack and Ian stop outside the store at the cola machine where they see the scrape from the car on the cola machine.
Zack
Holy shit I can’t believe we missed it.
Ian
We got lucky.
Zack
Hey, want to see if it works?
Zack goes to the back of the machine where he plugs the cord from the machine into the wall. The machine lights up.
Ian at the front of the machine sees that there is over ten dollars worth of credit.
Ian
Hey it looks like the first couple are free.
Ian presses the button for cola several times and several bottles fall into the dispenser.
Ian
Hey it works.
FADE OUT
